incident of prayer to God by an Agnostic

It was another hectic day in office with AC working at its will! I was not at all in mood to work but I cannot work at my will! I feel these mechanical devices like computers (Not PC), AC, Mobiles have more importance and control over our life. I fetched my newly gifted ear-phone and increased volume to the highest and started listening or singing Kishore’s favorites.

I saw, Sameer behind me; I removed my ear-phone and stopped singing also.

'Bro, do you know you can sing very nice? But bathroom environment suits better to you'

My smile was floating down like sensex in 2009.

'I was singing so loud? Sorry yaar! Just not in mood to work as AC is not working; thought to chill little bit with music'

'Ha ha, you are listening to Mera jeevan kora kaagaz to chill! Such a crap! '

I felt like he doesn’t know the taste of music at all. I grinned.

'I will share fundoo music. Check it out.'

I didn’t like his English songs at all. I still don’t know whether they are singing or shouting! But I was wrong to disturb him so I kept quiet. I copied the audio. File name was ‘need to collect video.mp3’. I copied to my computer and my kishore’s collection continued with Chalte Chalte. Sameer came to my seat to crosscheck if I am listening to his favorite song or not. I was forced to open that file and, what a shock, I heard something in Hindi :)

Ke koyi deewana kehate hai …

It was five minutes Hindi shayari and literally I enjoyed it! Kumar Vishwas with perfect tone and beautiful mind made me to relax and excite. Sameer was looking at me with winning smile with expressions like he won presidential election in states. File name of that video now teased me! I should also get the video and watch it once. I heard it at least ten times today. Next best thing I did is to share it with all my friends. Most of them didn’t open the file also as they didn’t expect anything later than 1990’s music from me.

Later by night when I reached home I searched for video at YouTube. It was nice one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y4VNrOUido I insist you to see this video once. One of the dialogue ‘tum yaha the? Mein to tumhe agra me dhoond raha tha’ made me laugh like anything and that showed me how spontaneous poet is. I grasped the meaning of why did he choose Agra. Like Agra, in north Karnataka Dharwad is also famous for mental hospital. I didn’t see any hospital there so far but as we know Dharwad is famous for Pedha (sweet), Study and Mental hospital.

I had been to Dharwad, some time after rainy season. I was there for a project which my cousin sister was doing. My sis was doing M.Phil, project report on Hardekar Manjappa who was also known as Gandhi of Karnataka. My job was to ensure proper typing and binding of project document. Initial plan was to stay there for a day which was extended to 4th day. I love the weather of Dharwad as unique as its name and fame. Almost cloudy with naturally chilled temperature. Sun doesn’t shine much on you. Dharwad was also known as pensioner’s heaven. While I was enjoying my work here, my girl friend was missing me too much. Like Kumar Sanu said, my love story was theory only. I remember the days when I use to wait for a tick of 9.30 to make an STD call. When she asked me to come next day morning to see her as she is missing me, we both knew it is impossible. But fulfilling things which are not possible shows that you love more  I was at least 6 hours away from my home and I had only 10-12 hours to reach there.

I made a plan and decided to finish all pending works in an hour or two and leave to home. People who were working on project were not happy about my decision. I was forced to explain that I have to meet my girlfriend whom I spoke only on phone from past one year. It is literally only hi word, which we exchanged few times and that felt like we had lengthy discussion. My emotional love story worked and we started working while one of them was snoring. By 1.00 Am draft document was finally ready and I was about to leave then I remembered that there wont be city buses at this time :(

Love can achieve unexpected majesty even in the rocky soil of misfortune. I like challenges! especially when I am in love. So is it; I decided to walk all the way till bus stand from university campus. It’s about 2-3 KM and it was midnight. Midnight in Dharwad is better than 8 PM in my native as we hardly see any street lights or working street lights. After walking half a kilo meter towards bus stop with lots of thoughts in my mind about my tomorrow’s expected surprise visit, I lost way to bus stop. I always travelled by bus as university is bit far from city. I knew that I have to follow the wide road to reach my destiny. But there were two wide roads!

Like Bangalore, Dharwad also have big trees as guards to both sides of roads. They are very wide and old and have gigantic shapes. They look very beautiful in day time when you are travelling by them and in night, it was first time I was seeing them and at midnight! It was terrific. Even my girl friend’s mother was not so scary. For a moment they reminded me scene from Vikram-Betal serial. But here only Vikram is present :)

What it takes to believe that god exists? When it comes to god, I am agnostic-someone who is doubtful or noncommittal about his existence. I was proud to tell everyone that I won’t believe in god or anything as such. Now at this midnight when I don’t know which way to travel I am talking about god who doesn’t exist! I don’t know why. Finally I decided to choose one path with all my calculations of memories of footprints of bus.

Dogs are always scary at night. Whether dog knows you are not when they get a chance to bite or bark and take revenge on human why would they stop? Anyhow visibility is too low and you could never identify who bite you! I was worried about them as they were barking somewhere far.

The road which I choose becoming wider and wider! Street lights were like oasis in Sahara. No vehicles passing by also. I could see a direction board far away. I approached it, almost running to see whether I choose right path or not.

It was white board turned into gray with an arrow indicating towards sky with lots of ad-posters and film posters attached on it. I looked at sky once, which was also not visible clearly due to big trees and clouds. I like challenges in love, but this kind of challenges, I hate them. I started singing song to relax myself. Tu mile .. dil khile aur jeene ko kya chahiye … I started singing louder as I was pretending to be very bold and strong to walk alone on this road. This was my favorite song at night time which could give me more strength. One thing I was sure is that no human can walk on this road at this time. I am not sure about day but at night, it’s like you are crossing roads in Bangalore traffic!

What if god really exists? Then devil also must be there. There can’t be only devil or god. If so this world would have been imbalanced. Dead leaves murmuring below my slipper were also torturing me now. I am not even sure if I am going to bus stop. There is no wonder I am not happy about tomorrow’s surprise visit which I may give or may not at all! What would be my girl friend doing? Reading my letters or writing one for me? Or sleeping and imagining about me :)

I heard something! I stopped. Wow, it was scary. No nothing is there. I walked three more steps and I heard same sound again. I pretended like I didn’t hear. I felt like someone is following me. Oh god, at least I should have tied that weird tag which mom gave to me!

But this is not a place where people can walk behind me. In case there is someone, even if he is thief he should have asked me to walk together on this road. It is such a scary road.

I took strong decision to turn back and face whatever following me. I did it. I turned back!

Nothing is there. It is like typical horror movie road with silence sound affect and looked like nobody live in this city at all. There was no sound also! Cool wind flowing towards me. There were no street lights for long distance. I tapped myself and said, Pramod (I was not nominated as PC at that time) you are strong. There is no god no devil. It’s in your mind. Let’s go. But three more steps . . . I heard that crazy sound again.

I remember the story of Gajendra moksha, where an elephant prays to god for help when it was about to die and God came to help him from heaven. He came so quick that he even forgot to inform Lakshmi, wife of Lord Vishnu! I decided to pray him. Nothing will happen if he is not there. But if at all he exists, he will help me. Because, there can’t be only devils in this world! If there is devil behind me then God exist. But with my doubt about his existence will he answer to my prayer? I had not much time. I studied Vaayustuti in my childhood and this was the time to recall. I started chanting slokas and turned back with more confidence this time!

This time I am not alone, me, my love, my god and the power of slokas I am chanting. I started chanting bit loudly to indicate that god may come to help me anytime. As a respect to slokas I was chanting, I removed my slippers and I was standing bare foot on the land in a city which I loved most! I don’t know what is happening in my stomach, I think I heard something from my stomach too.

I was standing like this at least for 40-60 seconds. No any movements on the road as far as I can see. Still I could here that crazy sound once in a while. Literally I was praying god to help me and my feet were touching the cold (blooded?) road.

I never thought about my girl friend, not about tomorrow’s visit. I didn’t think about my favorite fried rice I had in Dharwad! I was standing in same position for more than 2 minutes by now. It took me another 2 minutes to realize what is happening! It was drizzling!! I stopped chanting slokas about Hanuman.

It was drizzling bit heavily and those water drops falling on dead leaves made that crazy sound! Sound was based on wind flow. As wind blows, that sound of water fall on dead leaves becomes audible. How I didn’t notice this drizzling? It was following me. It was drizzling 100 meters away from where I am standing but I didn’t feel water yet. Yes but my mouth was waterless already! After another five minutes I could feel the drops of water on me and I relaxed. I don’t know how well I can fit my experience into words, believe me it was wonderful experience I ever had in my life.

I wore my slippers and started walking or almost running as I didn’t like to be wet in this cool climate. Somehow I caught the right path towards main road and I could see that I am on right track. I said my mind to keep quit and don’t discuss anything about existence of God. I am not sure whether God started that drizzling and sent away those devils following me or it was natural phenomena. But I don’t want to check what is true for time being. By 2 AM I was into bus stop and I got bus to my district Bijapur at 3.00 AM

Today, I say I don’t believe in god but when I remember that day, I will be speechless. Those 10-20 minutes I spent on the road of Dharwad made me to love that city more. It also reminds me how much I struggled for my love.

I had similar experience of such raining in my life recently. But this time it was in gods own country. We, engineer-mates were on holiday trip to Munnar. When we were boating in a lake, it was raining just 100 meters away from us and rain was slowly mowing towards us. We put all our effort to keep away from rain but nature is wild :) But this time it was in day and two people were sitting with me in small boat and still I was bare foot in boat (I couldn’t raid paddle of boat with my woodland shoes)!

I am still agnostic, I don’t know whether god exist or not and I don’t follow most of things which have no meanings. But I do follow many religious activities which makes me and my family happy. It doesn’t costs you to fold your hands to a statue and close eyes!

Adding to the above incident happened with me, next day morning I was there in Bijapur and another 50 KM journey to my home. I could catch a government red bus and I was sitting at window side seat. I feel like only those red buses that could control our weight those days; 60 minutes drive could reduce at least 2K calories! One person around 50+ was sitting left to me; we were sharing a 3-sitter berth on a long journey of one-n-half hour. I was memorizing what happened yesterday night and tried to recall my sweet heart’s sweet voice. I was trying to frame event of my expected surprise visit! Sometimes my face was full of smile and sometimes quiet opposite. My face even showed angriness when I was thinking about my girl friend’s mother.

Uncle who was sitting with me asked something which I didn’t hear as I was not at all in this world. I looked at him again with disturbed mood and question mark on my face.

'Where are you coming from?'

It’s very common to speak on the walk with another traveler. But I was in some other mood. But still as a respect to old guy, I replied that I am coming from Dharwad. He nodded his head and kept quiet. I moved back to my state. May be just one minute after, uncle looked at me with sudden shock. I could see that he is looking at me as if like I did something terribly wrong. But I had no answer to his puzzled question mark on his face. I smiled once at him and turned towards window.

It took me two minutes to realize what uncle thought about me. I was making different expressions on my face (as I was thinking many things) and behaving bit odd. When he asked from where I came I replied as Dharwad. He realized that Dharwad is known for mental hospital bit late and then he looked at me shockingly. Now when I understood this obviously I turned back at him with lots of explanation on my face but no words. I couldn’t control to laugh and I laughed loudly :) 

Sad part is that I never get an opportunity to tell this adventure event to a girl for whom I did all this. I didn’t meet her that day also. Well, past is past but this experience of praying god or travelling from Dharwad cannot be erased from my memory.

-
Agnostic -PC

If God Exist,

Dear God,

I didn't mean to hurt you. That uncle sitting next to me, treated me as if I am a mental patient; he was not aware of anything. I forgive him for his mistake. I even don't know much about you. I heard few stories about you but don't know which one to believe. Anyhow as I forgive that uncle you also have to forgive me :) And don't send those devils again to me. Everyday I will keep 1 Rupee for you if you are OK with that. Thank you. Convey my regards to Lakshmi also.